She told me about a fetish, but I should have just left it alone..
What kInd of relationship are you in? Is it complicated? Are you “trying” to make something complicated happen without knowing what’s about to happen? Really? That is all I had to say?
You know how someone can offer you something you really like to have and you get pushy and constantly asking for it? Somehow, it seems like a lie, you just can't let go.
It could have led to a blissful night of fun and play instead of hours of frustration, talking about everything under the sun and then the awkward moment as he was ready to leave and nothing had happened.
All us were looking forward to a lovely evening, something good and we were all waiting on someone to say or do something. humm.
Why didn’t you just take the Initiative? That is where my problems started.
My patience was wearing thin - fear, uncertainty, not wanting to overstep... really not sure, but willing to push someone else over the edge, but she refused. At that point, I felt like a failure for the evening, like she had let everybody down, while it was her idea. There was anxiety on one side and disparity on the other.
Knowing what ”I” wanted, yet depending on her, I was not able to nicely express it, for fear of rejection, being led on, sounding stupid, needing more than what was available to be given, or more than I deserved. I kept quiet, pouting and in the end, I blamed her for starting it all, but not following through.
As I was trying to come to terms with what I hadn't done, she opened up a second dialogue. This led to another encounter, but now we were exploring wants, needs, expectations, feelings. We all shared what we were thinking about the journey each of us was on. Is it this complicated?
Even though this was a good thing, it still wasn’t enough. Guilty, feelings of betrayal, inadequate, impatient and pushy, I was pushing her to go to bed, while that is what she said and that is all that was on my mind. Your attitude, dominating, controlling, it’s like driving a race car you cannot control or drunk driving?
Then she died. Damn! All my selfish thoughts choked me and before they choked me to death, I had to find a way to remove them. Was it a murder?
Can you imagine being this close to your own selfish fetish with a person this empathetic to you and others and it all ends with your greed and inability to maintain self-control? It’s more than what you ever could have asked, but still not enough, fast enough? It’s like you got a death wish.
Be true to thy self. When we stop appreciating and valuing what we have, things can turn traumatic very quickly, like reckless driving. You don't miss the water until the well runs dry, why?
Everything happens for a reason. One must believe we were not meant to play, but to discover more about each other and see where that leads. The next time we have an opportunity to spend time together, it will be better, more fulfilling, and more satisfying for all of us. One of us will not be trying to force all of us. You can bet though, instead of pushing, I will be much more understanding!!
What an expense, but somehow I survived and was not sure that was a good thing until I got it out.
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