Two Mamas, My momma's Locked Door

Escaping life... Where is my momma? She birthed us, but did she neglect us? Having time but not taking time. The things we do to ourselves... A pain you can't get rid of...

Earlier on you learned how to despise yourself and the life you lead and it all starts with our system of education, formal and informal. We're all born and we want to escape that life. There's something about being a child, the lack of freedom, and seeing adults with so much freedom, you're never quite satisfied with the way it is.

I am still four years old or younger! In a small house full of younguns, you had to lock your bedroom door to keep up with whatever you had. Talking about living with honest folk? Being there were so many adults in one house, borrowing or making deals, it wasn't long before all security measures were compromised and all hell broke lose.

We never had a bed time, we played until it was time to come in the house and went from room to room until we fell asleep. So things just magically appeared and disappeared, including people. What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine, unless a special pack was made. That was the only way to have anything for yourself, so you see how we became so protective and selfish about whatever we had. We needed each other, especially for a fight.

Now, all of this was pushed to me as some of the very reasons, the importance of being educated and attending an institution of formal learning. During this time, the importance of formal education was being preached and promoted everywhere in our communities. Our parents wanted to give us what they didn't have.

Do you now see how we learned to fight each other, watching and mimicking adult behavior. Do I accept it or not? At four years old it just didn't seem right. Accepting it would mean being a gangster, rejecting this would mean "fighting your whole life". Now, what's the difference? They failed to see the trick, pitting the uneducated against the educated. We became so educated we stopped educating ourselves.



There was constant drama, whatever you got, at the discretion of your parents and other adults, was subject to be shared, whether you thought they deserved it or not. Now, you're upset because you've been made to share with someone who has wronged you and nobody cares. They were all good intentions, but kept leading to disaster.

Where was the male figure in the house? Why do some people have a daddy when most people don't? Why do some people have a nice home, when most people don't? Why do some people have a car, when most people don't? Why do some people have tv when most people don't? Now, this goes on and on... and by age four I'm looking forward to having all this stuff.

Special favors were done just so somebody else could get what they wanted and most of the time you were left out of the net. All I knew was, "One day I won't have to live like this".

My momma was as slick as hell. We were adults before I learned one of my brothers had a different daddy. We grew-up like weeds, here, there, everywhere, no cultivating or nurturing.

I would wake-up at night looking for my momma. I was sucking my thumb, holding my blanket walking through the house, looking for my momma. Now, I could find everybody else but I couldn't find my momma. Sometimes, the door would be locked and other times the door was unlocked but her bed was empty, where is my momma?

After so many nights of not finding my mom, I was determined to find out where my momma was going, so I got in her bed. What good did that do, when I was awake sometimes she was and sometimes she wasn't there. And when I least expected it, I'd learn my momma had a new male friend and after so many times of trying to figure it all out, it was no longer worth it to try figuring it out. And that is the lying ass life I wanted to escape, even at four years old. Even then there was so much drama and it made no sense. I had learned people are not suppose to lie.

Out of all them lies, all them years and all them babies and adults, I do not remember ever having a family gathering, nor a family meal, but we were multiplying like hell. She had time but did not take time. It's a pain you just get used to.

At this young age, what do you do about a pain you can't get rid of?

(((your inner voice.com)))

Living in Half-Street-America

 

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